Apparently this is one of the blog posts I started to write and never posted... and I can already see how the new year is redirecting my focus. So I'd love to reveal what life has looked like so far and how I am trying to keep my eyes fixed on the greatest gift.

original blog post

Year 2017, I look to you with a fresh outlook, even when deep beneath my flesh I am freaking out about the unknown. We are bringing a new baby into the world in less than three months and though I fret about juggling two children and keeping life in order, I am thrilled to grow our family and experience love on a grander scale. I don't expect everyday to be easy, but I do hope to conquer each day with a clear perspective and good intentions. 

As I dwell on the things to come, I look to Jesus to perfect me in ways that need mending and graciously calm my fears when I need it most. I am hopeful that this can be a good year and I pray that our family would experience an abundance of joy no matter what curveballs come our way.

When life seems to be spinning out of control, just remember there is a big God who perfectly holds the future. Cling to that my friends. He is the greatest outlook and all you need for everlasting joy. 

life now 

We are one month post baby and we have already experienced a whirlwind of emotions. Truth is, I really do love the new year and the excitement of a fresh start and new season, but secretly I dread the unknown of the future. You see, I am a planner and a control freak too. When plans change or things are sprung on me without notice, I often struggle. And I truly hate this about myself. 

So here we are. We started 2017 knowing we would add another beautiful little boy to our family. We knew we would be faced with several decisions and struggled to grasp the concept of loving multiple children. Many of our days have been spent in prayer, asking for God to make His plan known for us as we anxiously awaited the arrival of our second son. I have learned to rely on the goodness of the Lord and to seek Him more, and I can honestly say that it has revealed the truest beauty of patience, endurance and faith. 

Our sweet and newest son arrived April 9. He is a true gift and miracle. Loving another child was flawless and instantaneous, and my heart overflows each time I watch how much our toddler adores his little brother.  Both of these boys bring joy to our family and we are extremely grateful for them. Afterall, children are beautiful gifts from the Lord.

This new year has already revealed some wonderful treasures, but equally we have endured the greatest pain. Three days after giving birth and celebrating life in all it's authenticity, we experienced a loss as well.  We lost a precious, vibrant soul.  Aunt Bonnie lit up every room she walked in and she radiated the day she met W, our new baby. It was a true blessing that she was there and that we all got to spend time together hovered in my tiny hospital room just days before her accident. It was no coincidence that our baby was born 9 days late and that he would be a light during such a tragic time in our life. Aunt Bonnie left a warm legacy and love that we will always cherish. I miss her like crazy, but I know that God works all things together for good. Even when life just sucks.  And this hole left in my heart... it doesn't feel too beautiful. Yet, I look into the eyes of my sweet boys and know that God created them to shed love and joy during this exact moment. And then I look at the life that was rededicated to Jesus through all of this pain, and that has been the most precious gift.  God works all things together for good, just as He promised in Romans 8:28.

I will never remember Easter any differently than it was this year. Just as we celebrate the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus, I will always remember how we lived out the worldly experience of life and death this Easter season. Going through a loss really makes you understand the pain God felt as He sacrificed His son for all of us.  

I am puzzled at how we experienced life and death just three days apart.  I am so grateful and ecstatic for my son, yet so heartbroken for my family.  Though nothing about it makes sense and no worldly feeling can make the pain diminish, I trust that God has a plan and that He makes all things new. One day it will all perfectly align. While today, one official month since Aunt Bonnie left this earth, is undoubtedly hard, I look to God as my redeemer and know He holds the future. 

I don't know what the rest of the year will look like, but I know that I don't have to be consumed with worry or fear. I have already seen God working wonders even when we are surrounded by such heartache, and I am trying to keep my eyes fixed on the cross. I have learned to be patient, to pray without ceasing, to trust and above all, I have learned to fiercely love.  One thing's for sure... This new year has made me cling even closer to Jesus, and I am certainly content with that.

I leave you with this...my prayer and hope

God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed. 

Give me vision to see things like You do

God I look to You, You're where my help comes from

Give me wisdom, You know just what to do.  

I will love You Lord my strength

I will love You Lord my shield

I will love You Lord my rock forever 

All my days I will love you God

BETHEL CHURCH