Mixed Emotions
Overwhelmed. Unworthy. Incapable. Undeserving. That's how it feels to juggle this new life. Adjusting to another version of surrender creates a feeling like the world is caving in, yet at its core is the most beautiful. The selfish tendencies deep beneath escalate, while the unfamiliarity of this season runs wild. And in all of the chaos, the gift is undeniably the most stunning and greatly cherished.
This new phase consumes me and daily surrender looks quite different. Motherhood, a rewarding adventure, sometimes reveals the funk of my heart. The desire to be selfless is unnatural these days as sleep deprivation is at a peak. Overwhelmed with the challenge of having two children at different ages is no walk in the park, but the greatest feat is internal. I feel unworthy of being called a mother when there are days I desire to sleep with no interruption or long to sit in utter silence. I feel inadequate to meet my calling as a wife and mother, because I feel depleted. I am undeserving of this life because of my selfishness.
Yet deep beneath the tar of my heart is a small pocket of air that aches to be joyful. That space is full of grace and truth and love. Jesus completes me when I am inadequate. He reminds me that I am capable to love fiercely and work hard even on the worst of days... and when I just can't, He can. He is my strength when I am weak and He can mold me into greatness when I realize my need to lean on Him.
This world is hard. Life is hard. Parenting is hard. Being a wife, daughter, sister and friend is hard. And understanding my calling to be fulfilled in Christ is hard. But you know the one thing they all have in common? They are each a gift and a treasure from The Lord. He gives new opportunities each day to surrender all we have for His glory. I just have to change my perspective and posture to be willing to show grace [the love of Jesus] everyday.
When I wallow in my mixed emotions, it does nothing but stir up negativity... and I certainly have no time to be consumed with that kind of toxicity. I want to display what it means to live out each day joyfully, and while I fail often, I desire that my life will reflect the beauty of Christ. I want my boys to see that the greatest love was displayed on that splintered cross and that Jesus is the center of my life, and our family.
In all of the chaos, parenting is beautiful. These boys have reshaped my heart in ways unexpected and I'm so thankful for this life even on the hardest days. This new season is indeed beautiful and gets easier with each day that passes, and I'm just ecstatic to learn how to depend on Jesus more each day. I am worthy and deserving because He created me in His image... and He always fulfills His promises.
